


A Lesson in Education

by airebellah



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Bilbo is a flirt, Double Entendre, Flirting, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Requited Crush, SO MUCH AWKWARD, Sex Education, Teacher AU, Teacher!Bilbo, Thorin Is an Idiot, Thorin is super shy and dorky, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, gym coach!Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 11:42:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9070156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airebellah/pseuds/airebellah
Summary: Oh, Mahal.
  
  He did not sign up for this - he was a gym teacher, damn it!
  
  There must be something - some other video… he prayed as he searched through the scattered items with increasing desperation - only for his fingers to slide against a collection of foil wrappers. And a banana.
  
  The condom demonstration.
 In which Thorin is substituting for the Sex Education class, and his colleague Bilbo offers to help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting on my computer for actual months. Happy... boxing day??
> 
> Thanks to [tea-blitz](tea-blitz.tumblr.com) for her ideas and editing!

Thorin pulled at the collar of his shirt as he gazed into the crowd of murmuring, inattentive teenagers.

_ You can do this, _ he told himself, trying not to snort at how pathetic he sounded. 

Glancing at his wristwatch, he swallowed thickly. Two o’clock on the dot - he could waste time no longer.

“Listen up everyone,” he commanded loudly, palms resting on the unfamiliar desk as he stared down the students. “Your regular teacher couldn't make it today, so I will be taking over. She left some videos for you to watch, starting off with…”

Thorin trailed off, clearing his throat as he saw the title. “ _ Sex: Make Safe Choices,”  _ he muttered painfully.

He popped the tape in, shutting off the lights before quickly making his way to the back of the room. The kids were surprisingly quiet throughout the short movie, aside from a few lewd jokes and awkward, uncomfortable laughter.

“Any questions?” he asked with his back turned to the room as he flicked the lights back on, feeling unbelievably relieved when no one raised a hand.

“What's next…” he muttered to himself, digging through the bag of supplies until he found the teaching plan for today.

_ Oh, Mahal. _

He did  _ not  _ sign up for this - he was a gym teacher, damn it!

_ There must be something - some other video…  _ he prayed as he searched through the scattered items with increasing desperation - only for his fingers to slide against a collection of foil wrappers. And a  _ banana _ .

_ The condom demonstration. _

Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezing shut. Never had he wished a student would pull a false fire alarm until now. There was nothing else here - the thrice-damned teacher had left this lewd demonstration for  _ Thorin  _ to present.

But there was no helping it. At least most of the students here were not in any of his gym classes - a small mercy, but he clung to it nonetheless.

“Right,” he declared suddenly, silencing the growing conversations. “I am going to demonstrate how to put on… a condom.”

He laid the banana on the desk, biting out a gruff “Enough!” at the responding snickers. Next he grabbed one of the wrappers, scowling at the packaging.  _ Chocolate flavour  _ \- oh, good. As if this wasn't humiliating enough.

He delicately tore it open at the top, explaining in stilted words the importance of ensuring the condom is not ripped.

Then, grasping the banana in one hand, he placed the condom at the top and began to roll it down.

It wouldn't roll down.

He gritted his teeth as his fingers slid against the slippery latex, pushing  _ down, down, down  _ to no avail.

There was no reason for it - he had done this plenty of times before, and while  _ yes, _ perhaps it had been  _ far too long,  _ he was hardly so unpracticed that he would forget it altogether!

Cursing under his breath, he abandoned his efforts and instead grabbed a handful of condoms. “Here,” he grunted, dumping them on the nearest student’s desk. “Pass them around. See… stuff. I'll be back.”

Without thinking, Thorin charged into the hallway - partially-covered banana still in hand.

He looked around wildly, eyes narrowing as he spotted someone within hailing distance. “Hey, you!” he shouted as his distracted mind distantly recognized the professional clothes of a faculty member.

The person stopped and looked about, clearly surprised to be yelled at. Finally, they turned and spotted Thorin. The gym teacher's jaw dropped, and he quickly spun around, desperately searching for a fire alarm to pull.

It was none other than Mr. Baggins - and how could he have not recognized those shimmering gold curls immediately? - the man Thorin was hopelessly, embarrassingly attracted to.

“Coach Durin?” Mr. Baggins asked as he approached, and Mahal, if only Thorin could sink into the ground…

“What?” he snapped instead as he turned back around, mind screaming at him to  _ get the hell out now. _

“You, ah - I believe you shouted at me?” Mr. Baggins asked with a small, deprecating smile.

“No,” Thorin grunted. “...Someone else.”

“Really?” Mr. Baggins’ brow raised pointedly as he glanced around the empty hall. “One of the lockers, perhaps?”

Thorin's jaw clenched as Mr. Baggins took a sip of his tea, the steam rising up to fog his glasses. It was  _ not  _ adorable, damn it.

“Did you need something, Coach Dur - oh.  _ Oh _ . _ ”  _ Mr. Baggins’ eyes widened scandalously as he took in the banana still clenched in Thorin's fist. “I see.”

Thorin said nothing, glaring at the wall as Mr. Baggins softly cleared his throat.

“Did you need some help with your, ah, demonstration?”

“No,” Thorin said immediately, just a tad too quickly.

“Don't be shy!” Mr. Baggins exclaimed to Thorin's utter mortification, practically  _ prancing _ into the room.

Thorin had no choice but to stumble into the room after him. The kids were already laughing at some joke Mr. Baggins made, cursedly affable as the man was.

“Alright, then!” The English teacher rubbed his hands together, smiling at his unwilling companion. “Let's start over, shall we?”

Thorin merely grunted, all but thrusting the banana towards his colleague. Mr. Baggins plucked off the previous condom off and picked up a new one.

“Oh, cherry!” he whispered as he began unwrapping it, turning to Thorin with a secret smile. “My favourite!”

Thorin slowly blinked, shocked by how seemingly unfazed the teacher was - Mr. Baggins has always come off as terribly polite and utterly respectable. Thorin had no idea how to respond to such a thing - especially with a room full of students.

“I see why you called me in,” his companion continued to murmur in between directions aimed at the students, positioning the condom on the tip of the fruit. “This is definitely a two-hand job!”

Thorin scowled at the offending fruit, rubbing at his neck anxiously. “It… was difficult,” he admitted awkwardly.

“It's always easier with someone to help,” the teacher advised in mock seriousness.

Thorin practically dropped the banana, palms growing sweaty as he struggled to process this new, cheeky-bordering-on-obscene side to the man he was most definitely  _ not _ infatuated with.

“Is it just me, or is it getting bigger now that I'm touching it?” Mr. Baggins whispered, glancing up at Thorin with a wide grin.

The coach spluttered awkwardly, finally muttering, “It's a piece of  _ fruit,  _ Mr. Baggins.”

“Come, now!” Mr. Baggins exclaimed. “I'm handling your banana, Thorin - we should at least be on a first-name basis!”

Thorin's jaw dropped at the mention of his _ banana,  _ forcing him to look away as he fought a growing blush. 

Mr. Baggins merely laughed. “You're looking a bit stiff,” the teacher quipped. “Anything I can help you with?”

Before Thorin could even  _ dream _ of responding, Bilbo finished rolling the condom down and turned to their oblivious audience.

“And that is how you roll on a condom, kids!” he announced, much to Thorin’s secret thanks as he fought to simply  _ think _ coherently.

“Thanks for your patience,” Mr. Baggins continued with the utmost professionalism, “And I'm sure Coach Durin can take any of your questions now!”

Mr. Baggins walked out with a quick wave to the students, leaving Thorin to throw up a finger in a silent  _ one second _ as he followed his colleague out.

“Bilbo!” he called once his tongue finally unravelled enough to cooperate.

The teacher turned around, head tilted to the side as he smiled gently. Just as Thorin had always known him to be - quiet, sweet, and friendly.

“I, uh,” he mumbled unintelligibly. “Thanks.”

In the blink of an eye, that Bilbo was gone once more - replaced with a coy smile and bright, wicked eyes. “I'd love to help slide a condom on with you any time,” he declared casually, giving Thorin a saucy wink before turning and sauntering  _ \- sauntering  _ \- down the hall.

Thorin blinked. Once, twice. He stared at the retreating figure, eyes struggling not to stare at Bilbo's behind sashaying back and forth. Finally he cleared his throat, stumbling back to his classroom in a daze.

**Author's Note:**

> [Come visit me on tumblr under the same name!](airebellah.tumblr.com) Always looking to chat bagginshield :)


End file.
